(From 2013)

My elderly, deaf, arthritic, German Shepherd just expressed for the first time in over a year that she was interested in going ANYWHERE other than her bed and the backyard. I was fixing a cup of coffee, and she came and got me, and walked me to the front door. This never happens, so I indulged her and let her out, expecting her to pee and come right back inside – as per usual.

Nope. She was going for a WALK, and hobbled off down street. And she was very intent and goal oriented about it, like she had just a executed a plan that she’d been considering for awhile. Well, Zeus thought this was the best idea ever! He just took off after her, while actively pretending he didn’t know me and couldn’t hear a word I was yelling. Millie really can’t hear a thing – nothing – and yelling at her is futile. She’s also not very bright, and responds to only one specific hand gesture, which involves waving your hands directly in front of her face like a schizophrenic off his meds trying to hypnotize an animal.

So, I watched as my dogs took turns leading and following each other down the street, stopping only for at least one of them to squat in the dead center of every one of my neighbors’ yards. Awesome. Like they need another reason to hate me. I said some things that disqualify movies from a PG-13 rating, and then grabbed the chair to go get them.

Consider this scenario with me for a moment: A woman rolling backwards and uphill in a wheelchair, wearing two different colored socks (I need to do laundry), very SLOWLY leading a limping, ancient animal down the street – flapping my hand in her face as if I’m trying to take flight – with a large, galloping, beast of a dog intermittently frolicking happy circles around us, and full-on, ears pinned back, SPRINTING zig-zags across the street.

And at that moment, my usually dead-at-9am-on-a-weekday residential street erupted into a frenzy of activity. For some Twilight Zone reason, EVERYone had to go SOMEwhere at the exact same time (no shit, jogging, biking, AND driving). My dogs and I literally brought traffic patterns to a halt. I felt like part of a goddamn parade going down Main Street on a Saturday afternoon.