I was not one of those little girls who dreamed of finding her Prince Charming and living happily ever. I didn’t want the white picket fence, husband, 2.5 children, and a dog. It all sounded so incredibly…comfortable.

I don’t feel bad in saying that I never wanted to be a mom – I didn’t. I’d always felt that children would complicate things, and hold me back. I’m not a natural mother. I’m a selfish person and I like to have my own way.

And I don’t enjoy, nor am I any good at, being a “mommy”. I cringe when parents say things like “boo-boo” and “tummy” and “because I said so”. I don’t bake cookies – hell, I rarely cook at all. Our oven hasn’t worked properly in almost three months, and it hasn’t affected us in the least. I’m not involved in the PTO, and I don’t hang out with the other moms at school functions and sporting events. Frankly, they make me sad.

So when I became a mother at 18, I did so for ALL of the wrong reasons. It was the spiteful part of me that led to parenting – my “prove them wrong” mentality. I did it to show myself and others that I could, that I could do it my way, that I could do it without apology, and that I could help create an amazing person to give the world.

I will have this baby.
I will find a career, and work my ass off.
I will complete my degree.
I will be the best, most loving, most devoted mother you have ever seen.
So fuck off.

And after nine months, I was presented with this beautiful, demanding, cuddly, amusing, challenging, tiny little child. She needed so much, and trusted me completely to provide. I was on my own with this other little person – and vividly remember realizing that she, too, was on her own with me. I looked at her and said out loud, “Kid, you are so SCREWED.”

She did not ask to be, nor did she know she was, my battleground with the rest of the world. I had an incredible obligation to make sure that she was not a civilian casualty of my fight.

I didn’t have much at first, but I gave her everything I had. I based every decision upon how it would affect Ana. If she needed, I went without, and I did so without complaining. But I did NOT do all of this because I’m a good, responsible, selfless person. I’m not. I did it because that’s what it took.

I never anticipated, thought about, or projected my expectations onto motherhood, so I was genuinely fascinated by this intensely personal and emotional relationship. It blew my mind. She never ceases to amaze, impress, and intrigue me, this now almost-adult. And not by degrees, by exponents. Ana is an incredible young woman with the potential to do anything she wants, the confidence to try all of it, and the rational mind to choose what works.

Nailed it.